A Clean Slate

This being January first and all, it seems almost MANDATORY that a blog be written about resolutions, clean slates, new starts, etc etc.
I have always despised the whole NEW YEARS EVE celebratory fetes.
In my younger, partying days it seemed forced and just an excuse to behave badly fueled on by alcohol. Later, it seemed best to just work -- bartending, waitressing, etc. If I had to be out, might as well make money at it.
Now it seems just best to stay in, and reflect.
Take the tree down.
Start January 1 with a clean slate: or the very least: a clean house.

Today I am puttering about.
sweeping floors, cleaning bathrooms, getting into all those nooks and crannies avoided when there were oodles of thing to be done in the name of Christmas and all that goes with it.

During a long drive yesterday with the family, my brain kept going back to a favorite poem.
A poem I first discovered in high school and loved and latched onto with the fervor of youth.

Oddly enough, now at this *ahem* ripe old age, I am finally truly getting what it all means.
Let me share the poem with you. It is called WAITING and it is by John Burroughs

ERENE, I fold my hands and wait,

Nor care for wind, nor tide, nor sea;

I rave no more 'gainst time or fate,

For, lo! my own shall come to me.




I stay my haste, I make delays,

For what avails this eager pace?

I stand amid the eternal ways,

And what is mine shall know my face.




Asleep, awake, by night or day,

The friends I seek are seeking me;

No wind can drive my bark astray,

Nor change the tide of destiny.




What matter if I stand alone?

I wait with joy the coming years;

My heart shall reap where it hath sown,

And garner up its fruit of tears.




The waters know their own and draw

The brook that springs in yonder height;

So flows the good with equal law

Unto the soul of pure delight.




The stars come nightly to the sky;

The tidal wave unto the sea;

Nor time, nor space, nor deep, nor high,

Can keep my own away from me

I am especially drawn to the lines:
I stand amid the eternal ways
and what is mine shall know my face

Eternal ways........What do YOU consider "eternal ways" ?
I think for me, they have alot to do with the words I chose to tattoo on my body:
Peace, Love, Grace, Faith, and Compassion.

And if you are reading this.....or are in my life now.....,
well--you know my face and chances are: somewhat like minded.

Lets not think of the New Year as a time to "wipe a slate clean" or start anew.
Think of it as shedding skin....the essence is still there.....but cast off all that bogs you down. All that is NOT an eternal way. All that does NOT know your face.....

May 2012 be the year that you become the best YOU you can be.
May your life be filled with unexpected joys and blessings abounding.

Where has the time gone?

well here we are nearing the end of 2011 and ...............
HOLY CATS!
I haven't blogged since February.
Sheesh--you would think with my lush life I would so totally be blogging up to the minute reports, right?! I mean what with all my FREE TIME you would think this would be childs play!
/end sarcasm.
What I can tell you is this:
2001 has been the year of education.
I am learning what it takes to keep a family strong and running.
I am learning what it takes to keep a marriage healthy and alive.
I am learning how to make the most outta my decreased paycheck. :P
I am learning how not to take for granted the health of ANYONE.
and oh so much more.
The last life flight to Oakland with the boy truly put a sharp focus on the day to day INCONVENIENCES that one is prone to experiencing (i.e.-- the long line at Starbucks, someone cutting in front of you on the highway, etc etc) and made me realize just how fragile all this mortal coil is.
That being said: we have had a seizure free boy (KNOCK WOOD THIS VERY MOMENT!!!) for almost three months.
A seizure free boy who also still has language and learning and is NOT zombified.

SO there's that!
I wish for a happy and healthy 2012--full of love, laughter, growth, and joy.
I wish for that for YOU TOO .


oh.................. and if I got a bunch of sewing time in there, too--that wouldn't suck, either! <3

I've been here before

As I write this it is 10:25 pm
Clay left with the boy about 10 minutes ago --ER bound
He has been having WONDERFUL days......talking, making connections, good moods
I usually lay with him for a bit till he goes to sleep.
Tonight the seizure started while in bed
I hurriedly sat him up and got the bucket
there was teeth grinding, some vomitting and the "going away"
We tried to talk him into fighting it....."staying with us" and it almost looked like he was going to
but
he couldn't fight it.
he started to go rigid.
jerking
I couldn't go to the ER with them

Darrah is asleep
its late......

People have said to us
"you know, you really need to get him on meds for this"

oh really?! gee why didn't WE think of THAT!

asshats.
we have had him on meds.
the problem is: the boy goes away
the language goes
the good mood goes
the learning goes
the cranky, irritable, zombie comes.
and stays

so what to do?

right now
at this very minute all I can do is wait.
wait for the phone call or the text where clay says the seizure is under control
then the one that says they are on their way home
then we watch him
we snooze with him
and we try to get through the next days.

what else IS there to do?

What is "normal"?

Yesterday--

I held him in the back of the car while Clay drove us to the ER

His little body twitching and jerking.
there was vomiting.

By the time we reached the ER we were hopeful that the worst was over.
We were wrong.

It is maddening to go into the ER and try to get someones attention through the Plexiglas....
Clay is holding jack who is rigid. Vomiting. And it appears as if everyone is moving in slow motion.

I won't lie to you --This was as bad as Clay has ever seen--and that is saying ALOT
I felt utterly useless except to answer questions, sign papers
AND I felt completely compelled to make sure that I had a hand on him the whole time.
Amidst all the tubes and wires and medical paraphernalia-- I foolishly thought that if I had MY flesh touch HIS flesh it would somehow help......

after we were released we came home and watched him sleep
(the meds gratefully conk him out)

and then we go about the business of getting back to normal
(have a drink, get some food, wander about the house to do "things")
what is NORMAL?
When at any moment you can be holding a small child in your arms who is twitching and jerking- racing to the ER........
is "normal" the opposite?
of course, we are hyper vigilant right now....
so that flavors our "normal"

any thoughts?

No rest for the weary..........

I MEANT to do a blog about being Thankful and grateful at Thanksgiving.
THEN at Christmas --one about what true giving means
and YET AGAIN --at New Years--one of reflection.

See where I am going with this?
Haven't had any time for such luxuries as blogging.......there are children to take care of (including a trip to Oaklands Children's Hospital for two days of testing)a house to keep up (in since june--and no, we aren't all unpacked), errands to run, a job to go to .....
and most importantly--a family to be a part of.

I used to be online alot.
ALOT.

but that was when I lived in a real crappy house with a man who I didn't want to be married to let alone spend "quality time" with....
and so I self medicated with oodles of blogging and online chit chat .....

so here is to 2011.
whatever it may hold.
hopefully I can keep up on this blasted--uhhhhhhhhhhhhh BLESSED? --blog.

The Sounds of Saturday Morning and other musings

the dishwasher chugging away
snippets of "Drake and iCarly Declassified" or whatever it is Darrah watches on Nick...
the boy laughing, babbling, saying "I see a cars"

RIGHT NOW?
It all seems good. As I write this I look out the dining room window --to the back yard.
Beyond the back yard is the bay then the ocean Clay reminds Darrah all the time just how lucky we are to have this view --as we live in one of the most beautiful places ever.

Yep......we are lucky lucky people all right......

Did I mention Jack had another seizure last night?
Not big. But he did vomit and it did come fast and hard.

I remember when Clay and I got married on 9-29 I specifically emphasized the words I had to repeat to him--in good times and misfortune-- knowing he-WE- had this cross to bear.

And while we ALL endure this--I work hard to keep Darrah's life from being engulfed in sorrow and making sure she is not just another foot soldier in the fight to keep Jackson happy and alive day to day........

But for TODAY? today is good. today is OK.
We have family

Crisis and YOU, a users guide......

My becoming a step mom (who am I kidding? - MOM) to Jackson just went to that next level.
I experienced first hand the "big one"--the once a year (knock wood) or so seizure
Puking, glassy eyed stare, drooling, loss of bowels, shaking, lips blue, rush to the ER, tubes and vitals, needles and meds and worry


And that ain't all.

His little body--all 65 pounds of him with so much medical apparatus attached to him and still it was hard to bring him back
The Jackson that I have come to know and love was gone.....
All that was there was the seizure taking over this little boy
Clay --who has been through all of this before--was a champ--
A knight fighting for for his son--to get them to move quicker--more efficiently--he has been through this before--
I tried to stay out of the way-
keep his neck straight, rub his hair.....keep watch on the vitals....

the seizure was almost 3 hours
It left us all exhausted--none so much as the boy
And what a brave boy
Monday--he was grumpy as the aftermath of the meds and the seizure still wrecked havoc on his little body
Tuesday afternoon brought a return to mostly normal with a few small seizures in the evening--almost like aftershocks of an earthquake

Darrah was a champ-- a big sister like no other.

SO
any questions?